1. |
Timid Hearts
04:59
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Once you told me having someone there was the key. Once it could be anyone. Now it's always me. But the cold is tense, and it hurts you. And it all makes sense that I can't help you. Once you told me having someone there was the key. Once it could be anyone. Now it's always me.
When you hear your friends accuse you of awful things, you assume that they’re true. And when you hear people laugh, you assume it’s at you.
The older I get, the more I understand that there is no plan. You hang all your hopes on a skinny boy from a broken home. A way to retreat to your bedroom and not feel alone.
When you hear your friends accuse you of awful things, you assume that they’re true. And when you hear people laugh, you assume it’s at you.
Words will always fail us. Give me your timid heart anyway. Time will always laugh at us. Give me your timid heart anyway.
There are not now and there will never be enough arms in the world to hold you tight enough. There is not now, and there will never be enough love to make you feel loved.
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2. |
Breaking Swells
04:32
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So it took you a few days to clean up all the trash. The plastic cups, the paper plates, the half-empty bottles. And it took you a few weeks to fathom what you’d done. So now he knows. And you hope there is a way to make it all go back to how it was with him in the dark and you in your head.
You ignore your mom’s call when you see the number. Your best friend does the same to you.
You didn’t mean to break it up. You didn’t mean to kick them out, but so it goes. And what choice did they have anyway? What could possibly be said if they stayed?
Your carefully-worded text goes without an answer. Oh, how the roles have reversed! Your best bet failed to produce something more than nothing. So much for trying to pretend you were misunderstood.
Oh, you know what you want him to say. Oh, you repeat it to yourself all day. Oh, your head aches for it, aw but words can’t be implanted in someone else’s mouth. Oh, you go to a movie on your own. The red wine and valium ensure that the cold light of day brings you back to relive it. It takes everything you give. You’re back to relive it. It takes everything you give it and more.
Half-truths and outright lies. Bury the truth to light. Curtains always drawn. Dishes in the sink. Tell yourself, not today. Tell yourself, not this way. Breaking swells of fear and doubt. Breaking swells that seek you out.
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3. |
Last Night's Booze
03:41
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But some get the parade, and some get the ditch. I wouldn’t lie about that now.
You don’t make plans; you only live through other people’s plans. you don’t have dreams, you only ruin other people’s dreams. Oh, oh, renting weekly. Oh, oh, smiling sweetly. But you can force it if you want it. I’ve got no claim upon you now. But some get the parade, and some get the ditch. I wouldn’t lie about that now.
Take all your doctors with you now. Take all your money with you now. Sometimes when you wait long enough, the wait is the experience. It doesn’t matter how much cologne you use, it still can’t cover last night’s booze. It leaks out your pores and it coats your skin. The scent drenches the shirt you’re in.
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4. |
Slow On The Draw
05:48
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Packed your clothes into your car. Drove all night, windows open. Cigarettes under the stars, replaying the last words spoken. Pulled over to sleep at the rest stop, morning light on your face. Still too early to call, and you’re not sure what you’d say anyway.
Your mind has always failed you. You suspect it always will. So slow on the draw, just when it counts. Just when it counts. You called once to quiet your conscience. You know he doesn’t answer his phone anymore. You called again to prove your patience, but you lost that when you walked out the door.
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5. |
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“Excuse me ma’am, could you please sit me next to a man who has a crippling fear of strangers?” You’ve run out of words, you’ve run out of manners. You called all the plays. You botched it. And now and then, a light frown crosses your lips. You seem to have forgotten how it fits. It’s all off schedule.
Ah, but one more thing you don’t like to mention. You saved yourself, broke the surface tension. You served your time and then some. And clearly, he didn’t think you’d come. But there are some memories you just cannot outrun. It’s all off kilter.
You learned something new. You watched it. Like a virus me to you, you caught it. You wear an expression that’s the opposite of what you are feeling. You got cocky. A hand-written letter. Why would you have bothered? You look for confirmation from Mother’s favorite daughter. More and more embellishment, cracks begin to show. And in the end, all we can do is wait you out.
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6. |
Muffles Every Sound
03:50
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Warm, sunny days spent with videogames. Oh, another showerless day. Haven’t seen a razor in at least a week, and we’re not sure that you eat anymore. Mattress on the floor.
It’s stuck in your head just like a blood clot.
On your guard, here comes the reel of all your faults. Show us your arms, boy. Hold up your arms.
It’s stuck in your head just like a blood clot, giving you a headache and impeding your thought.
It sticks in your head. It waits in your bed. It tackles, pins you down. It muffles every sound. Oh brother, could you do it? Time will push you to it. The numbers are against you. It’s creeping up behind you. But until it’s time to shut it down, you’re inviting it to hang around.
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7. |
Strange Patterns
05:50
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We edge away from the minefield of conscience. A strong current threatens to take you away from us. Things around us are falling into strange patterns, on and on. You will take your own direction regardless. You will take no one’s advice to heart.
The faces of all the people you’ve loved and you’ve lost are etched in your mind so peacefully. You have no need for photographs of any kind to recall. There is no need for you to ever return here. There are no words that will change your mind.
Oh, have you found what you’re looking for? Oh, how many secrets can you keep?
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8. |
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It waxes and wanes just like the moon, and that’s about all that I understand. It shivers and speaks and clings to me, like smoke in your hair lingers the next morning.
And if you are to believe what he has told you, it’s all smoothed over, the deepest silence there is. You can ease into the deepest sleep. Oh but if you are to believe what you are feeling, that under the surface it boils. And all it wants is you to see it because it sees you.
I didn’t realize that I would need my degree in counseling to be your friend. You wait out, you hold your tongue and read into every communication.
In the meantime, something is off, something you can’t quite identify. It’s in the way that he talks, the way that he can’t quite look at you.
Dying people don’t lie, and neither will I. I’ve been in this room before. Every friend that you miss, every laugh, every kiss, it burns like never before. Do you hear something funny in the way he speaks? Will you waste your breath on him and me?
Backpack in hand, looking at your phone. You stand stock still before you head for home.
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9. |
Time Now For Ghosts
05:43
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I guess I could never be a criminal. Wrinkled clothes, a rock in the shoe, sun in the eyes. I know the combination is lethal. Never tired, never awake is I. You kept a pellet gun handy. Rearing back, pointing it at the sky. You popped the pills like they were candy. You took it back. You never asked me why. Tongue is tired, ears are sore. This is what friends are for. Can I have the shirt you wore? Now a whisper what was a roar.
Gaze out the window at the scenery. When the time comes, say thank you and leave. Time is a thing that seems real to me. Lurch ahead, tangled in what we keep. Exchange one form of confusion for another until you win. Keep up the pace ‘til you lose them. If you want it, it must be a sin.
Notify your friends: everything ends.
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10. |
Young Man's Game
03:27
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I never fake it if I can help it. I never needed to win all the time. I never notice when people need me. Always, forever need to be told. I knew you seemed familiar when I first laid my eyes on you. I don’t believe in destiny because that is a young man’s game. Oh, oh, please don’t return my call. Oh, oh, that would help make it all better. Oh, oh, coming home to a dark apartment. Oh, oh, coming home at all.
If you could see me on my own, you would wonder how I ever make it alone. If you could see me on my own, you would wonder how I ever make it alone.
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Paul Gonzenbach Seattle, Washington
lovers weekend records
seattle, washington
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