Guilt Show

by Paul Gonzenbach

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1.
05:10
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4.
5.

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released September 2, 2014

Written, performed, recorded and mixed by Paul Gonzenbach. Stuart Hake plays cello on track 5. Mastered by Carl Saff.

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Paul Gonzenbach Seattle, Washington

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Track Name: Future Wars
Your older brother saw it first. Ran out when he had done his worst. You oversleep and miss your bus for the third time. You think about your weekend more than you think about where you're going in the car that you missed your payment on. You won't make much more than what it costs to drive today.

You don't know what he does for a living. Sometimes he turns up with a few bucks.

Your little brother got caught shoplifting again. A heartless hand on his shoulder and it's over. Just a little kid pining away and hiding in the bushes waiting for a future war so he can exchange all his life for a gun and some combat boots.

Welcome to the club. You're either drunk or out of your mind or sick now. You seem to walk like you are made of different pieces only poorly glued together and if you make one wrong move the whole thing falls apart again.
Track Name: You're Smoking Again
You like to say the only thing he ever gave you was a birthday card from target and a blister on your lip. I've heard you say it 100 times now. But that's not really all there was now is it.

You forget yourself in a novel in the evening but in the morning it feels like a hangover. It follows you. Your brain is dizzy with words. Baby you write like a bad translation.

You've got nothing to answer for. You've got no reason to stay. But you do. Oh to travel this long and to still be this far. Oh and in your heart you know that the pills can never change the person you are.

So you think on it less and less each day but it worms its way into your spine it tunnels toward your heart oh it collects in your blood it's part of your DNA no not literally.

So you're smoking again and you've got a new job that is probably worse than the last job. Oh but at least it distracts you and maybe someday soon you can finish your degree.

You've got nothing to answer for. You've got no reason to stay. But you do. Oh to travel this long and to still be this far. Oh and in your heart you know that the pills can never change the person you are.
Track Name: The Black Before Your Eyes
We stumble home side by side. We've got a plan. The warmth of booze in our stomachs. We hardly stand a chance against the glares when we get there. A gesture, a resistance to life as we live it alone.

So we drown, a big, visible space between us. One step inside the apartment. You wipe your hand over your mouth. One step behind as always. You pour another drink, glide through the door. It's a circus in my head. My eyes roam over your face. The smell that comes from your pores. The clothes on my back from the day before. You speak in a small voice and stare into your drink. Hey, it's a small vice. You lean against the sink.

Your cat straight-arms me. What else to do when you're lousy? A big gulp to burn away the pain that's tearing at your chest. Footsteps on the stairs. Your pupils give you away to mention nothing of your flushed cheeks that say you've been at this all day. Still for a moment, a thin and useless fist glances off its target. Like when we used to play fight in the backyard, sand down your back. Sniff in the schoolyard. As weak as we thought.

On the floor and you stare at the ceiling. Then to the basement door where you tumble and shout out for a doctor. Left to the cellar ghost's devices. You fumble for the light switch. The room rearranges in the black before your eyes.
Track Name: The Worst Of All Your Crimes
Steady yourself on the railing outside your mom's house. Take a moment to get your story straight. Try to keep the dog quiet. It's your best hope. Your legs can't carry your weight for much longer. Your heart knew the way there. Now your car sits halfway across town.

If you had your way, you would lean in close. He would know that look. He would know your dose. You could say no thanks to a drunken ride. It's the worst of all your crimes.

Your breath caught. It's all over now, but there was a moment. A cop car, you drove by so slowly. She said, "Don't look. If we don't notice him maybe he won't notice us." Four lungs holding their breath for two blocks.

If you had your way, you would lean in close. He would know that look. He would know your dose. You could say no thanks to a drunken ride. It's the worst of all your crimes, girl. It's all over now, but there was a moment. A cop car, you drove by so slowly. She said, "Don't look at him. Where are they when you need them? We're not hurting anyone."

Steady yourself. The porch light swims and you have to be up in the morning.
Track Name: Broke My Streak
I wrote a song from an infection to its host. I wrote a love song, an apology, from me to your ghost. They like you better when you smile. They like you better when you smile.

You've tried every trick you know. And I know because I tried them first, maybe fifteen years ago. Ah, so listen: black doesn't make you look tough now. It makes you look younger, scared and homesick now.

Sunglasses can't hide what you want them to hide. Sunglasses can't hide what you want them to hide.

You've tried every trick you know. And I know because I tried them first, maybe fifteen years ago. Ah, so listen: black doesn't make you look tough now. It makes you look younger, scared and homesick now. You broke my streak, the best bad streak I ever had.